Life has gotten so busy it is hard to keep up with everything. In an attempt in making the catch-up process short and sweet, here’s the synopsis:
1) Started new job: most crazy/awesome/scary/stressful thing going on in my life. Proud to say I survived my last day at my old office without sobbing hysterically.
2) Totally dropped the ball on the half marathon training BUT I have been running and trying to make up for lost time.
3) Have been spending lots of time with these little love bugs:
4) Celebrated an amazing St. Pattys Day
Rocking my green even on a chilly day for the parade…
5) All in all, life is good
The three weeks since I gave notice at my job have passed in what now seems like the blink of an eye. I wish I could say that I have been bravely standing strong in the winds of change but that’s not quite true. I first found myself trying to acclimate to the decision itself. It’s not real until you’ve pulled the trigger after all. Once I had wrapped my head around the fact that I had made such a monumental decision, I had an emotional backlash to deal with. I questioned my decision. I had some nightmares and trouble sleeping. I shook and shuddered under the weight of change, but deep in my chest, I knew I had followed my heart. I carried on. I sat through the meetings designed to smooth my exit, I discussed the issues at hand with inquiring coworkers and I took my degrees and art from the walls of my office. As I went through the motions, something much deeper was going on. I was/am exhausted all the time. I am consumed with the change. Even when I am not consciously focusing on it, I can feel things shifting from inside my subconscious. In the quiet of night, I hug myself against the cold winds of change. Yes, I wonder sometimes if I have made the right decision but in my heart, I know I have.
So why is this universe-rocking emotional change happening?
I don’t really have an answer. All I know is that I have to weather the storm. Tuesday is my official last day and I am trying my best to visualize what that day might look and feel like. The last thing I want is to spend my last day hiding in the bathroom in fits of sobs. I am afraid of letting go of people who care about me. I am afraid of the unknown. For everything that I’ve experienced over the last three weeks and everything that I am still experiencing today, I know it will all be worth it. I don’t know how I know. Maybe I don’t really know. But there is something in me that does know.
You see, I can’t imagine the place that I am meant to be but I know in my deepest of knows that this is not it. I am as green as green comes, as young as young gets, as unsteady as unsteady can be and yet I am exactly what I dreamed I would be when I was a little girl. I am brave even when I don’t know how to be brave. I am strong even when I don’t know how to be strong. And I will achieve great things despite having never achieved them before.
For all this, I lean into the unknown.
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