The three weeks since I gave notice at my job have passed in what now seems like the blink of an eye.  I wish I could say that I have been bravely standing strong in the winds of change but that’s not quite true.  I first found myself trying to acclimate to the decision itself.  It’s not real until you’ve pulled the trigger after all.  Once I had wrapped my head around the fact that I had made such a monumental decision, I had an emotional backlash to deal with.  I questioned my decision.  I had some nightmares and trouble sleeping.  I shook and shuddered under the weight of change, but deep in my chest, I knew I had followed my heart.  I carried on.  I sat through the meetings designed to smooth my exit, I discussed the issues at hand with inquiring coworkers and I took my degrees and art from the walls of my office.  As I went through the motions, something much deeper was going on. I was/am exhausted all the time.  I am consumed with the change.  Even when I am not consciously focusing on it, I can feel things shifting from inside my subconscious.  In the quiet of night, I hug myself against the cold winds of change.  Yes, I wonder sometimes if I have made the right decision but in my heart, I know I have.

So why is this universe-rocking emotional change happening?

I don’t really have an answer.  All I know is that I have to weather the storm.  Tuesday is my official last day and I am trying my best to visualize what that day might look and feel like.  The last thing I want is to spend my last day hiding in the bathroom in fits of sobs.  I am afraid of letting go of people who care about me.  I am afraid of the unknown.  For everything that I’ve experienced over the last three weeks and everything that I am still experiencing today, I know it will all be worth it.  I don’t know how I know.  Maybe I don’t really know.  But there is something in me that does know.

You see, I can’t imagine the place that I am meant to be but I know in my deepest of knows that this is not it.  I am as green as green comes, as young as young gets, as unsteady as unsteady can be and yet I am exactly what I dreamed I would be when I was a little girl.  I am brave even when I don’t know how to be brave.  I am strong even when I don’t know how to be strong.  And I will achieve great things despite having never achieved them before.

For all this, I lean into the unknown.

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